How To: Madden Ultimate Team (Super Bowl Special) Pt. 3
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I Can’t Lose Another Super Bowl

by Jason MoquinJanuary 30, 2015

I’m writing this during a week where there was a chance of a blizzard. I’m looking in my inbox and I have a lot of emails from stores and they are all using tag lines like, “snowed in?” or “a blizzard of savings” and “keep warm with these deals”.

Blizzards (and other snow related storms) are the only life threatening natural disasters people feel comfortable making light of. I mean people die in blizzards all the time from snow removal to power lines and trees falling to snowmen coming to life and killing their human creators, yet for some reason we are ok with Kelloggs sending out “recipes to stay warm”.

Can you imagine what kind of backlash would happen if after an 8.7 earthquake General Mills sent out promotions saying that Cookie Crisp will “shake up” your taste buds? Or if Dawn sent out an email after a Tsunami saying about their new detergent, “nothing will be left standing after it washes everything away”?

Speaking of natural disasters, know who have it hardest during one? Fish.

I mean think of it, dogs, cats, monkeys, pretty much any sort of pet has a fighter’s chance in a natural disaster. They can run away, hide somewhere, monkeys can shave themselves and dress up in clothes and try to evacuate with all the people.

Here's what your fish is thinking.

Here’s what your fish is thinking.

Fish on the other hand can just stay there. I mean sure, they can hide in whatever decorations you put in the fish tank but they’re still not going anywhere. Oh that castle they have in their tank looks awesome but does them zero good in an earthquake. And if the tank breaks? Well they’re doubly screwed.

Even if the tank doesn’t break they’re screwed. Dogs can go looking for food in the trash but what do fish do? They’re stuck in their own little environment unable to get anything. Know where Dominos DOESN’T deliver? Fish tanks.

Oh and why do people buy those little fish bowls anymore? I mean what kind of horrible person do you have to be to buy a fish bowl in this day and age? Someone is at home thinking “Hmmm if I could give an animal the human equivalent of a 6 x 6 room where it spends the rest of it’s life that would be grand, I know! A fish bowl!”

Bad enough we take fish and say “Here Goldfish, two feet of swimming is a lifetime’s worth, it’s not like we’re on a planet that’s 75% water, I’m sure you’d have nowhere to go in the wild. Wait here I’ll be back after the hurricane

Oh know what else?

Orange juice with pulp is disgusting. I don’t know who is asking the juice makers of the world to make this abomination in a cup. Who is calling saying….

“Can you give us a juice that’s like someone chewed the fruit and then spit it into a glass? Yeah, I know we live in the civilized world where we can strain out impurities so we can get straight juice but I’m the kind of guy that likes the old days when it was disgusting”.

greys

This joke made me laugh sooooo much.

 

If I want an orange I’ll eat an orange, if I want juice I’ll drink juice in 100% LIQUID form.

Super Bowl is this weekend, I have faith in the Patriots but at the same time I’m worried.

I can’t lose another Super Bowl, they hurt too much and I’m not even on the team. I have no idea how they deal with it.

The Patriots are more than a team to me, I worked for the Bills for a while and was treated…..less then optimal. So the Patriots were like my big brother that comes in and beats the Hell out of the Bills twice a season for me ever since. Now I know they’re not doing it ONLY for me but I like to think that restoring my honor is one of their main priorities.

I want to see the Patriots do well and win it all and holy cow the last two Super Bowls? They hurt, they still hurt. They will always hurt, especially the undefeated season. What gets me is that you only see a perfect season once in your life if you’re lucky, some never see it. Anyone under the age of 40 has never witnessed an NFL season that ended perfectly. Even if it’s not your team why would you not want to witness it? Unless you’re a Jets fan I suppose but still, that’s like not wanting to see Haley’s Comet because you’re not a fan of it’s particular shade of grey.

I can’t explain Jets fans though, it’s a fan base that was somehow happy Rex Ryan was their coach.

Jason Moquin
Oh this is where I get to say something about myself like I was captain of the debate team or that I was once king of Prussia. Well games, let's throw games in there, and I like sports, and comics, and animated things, mostly Japanese giant robots, oh and pasta, big fan of pasta. You know all shapes taste different? Each one has a distinctive bite and holds the sauce differently. A lot of people are like "PASTA IS PASTA" and I say "STOP YELLING AT ME".

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